Yes. Two blogs in one single night. I must be bored out of my mind.
I'm listening to Boyzone on my Windows Media Player right now. Remember Boyzone? Yeah, them. When the boyband rage was on, I was about 10 and it was around 1996. Power Rangers were pretty hot too, then. And Sailormoon.
Gawd, how I missed those days. The height of pop music, pretty boys and posters. I followed magazines and TV programmes religiously, and I know the direct link of every of my favourite bands. I also wasted a whole lot of color ink printing pictures and biodatas and all sorts of crap. But how sweet those days were. I dunno, I just wanna say I missed those days. Best friends then are like strangers now. It's not the same anymore.
I had a focus in life, y'know, unlike now. Now its just as the Chinese saying goes, one piece of blank white (yi pien hung pai). I think I need someone to shake me awake, so that I can appreciate and fully savor the fact that I am alive, well, loved, loving and given a lot of grace. It is faith I need right now? Hmm. I never thought about this.
Is it all about bad timing? I missed opportunity by opportunity - joining a student exchange programme, ability to study overseas...especially studying overseas because of my parents' mess. The falling out and divorced happened, and financial insecurities led my mom to make careful, calculated and prudent decisions about where I study. Not just the location, but the institution. I didn't want to make worst of things by demanding to study in where I'd prefer to go. I know I'm really selfish in saying this. And I know I cannot hope to expect more than what I've been given. But deep down inside, I wish it is now that I've just finished secondary school, cos things are better now with my dad and us. And perhaps. Perhaps I'll get to you know, go overseas. I'm acting like a spoilt brat, huh?
It frustrates me because my brother can go or do anything he wants easily, yet he don't even think about it, much less trying. He accuses me of being overly ambitious but I don't think much of him being so complacent. His lack of driving force to push to the top seriously saddens me because while I attribute my losts as bad timing, he has much to gain but he's not going for it. Ugh! He's only 16 he'll turn around he'll see the light he'll stop saying his big sister is too ambitious he'll soon realise his big sister is concerned and hope that he get to do things and go far, far in life. Yeah, right.
I see some of my friends gone or going. Yes. I'm jealous. But yah what can I do? I'll make the best out of what I HAVE been given, I have to, because I don't want to go the wrong way. Sometimes my mom and I talk, more to entertain ourselves, of how life could have been. I don't think I wanna say it here, but fantasies sure are beautiful. But fullstop. It's just empty, fleeting what-ifs that we both realise are just that: what-ifs.
Jeez, I can always do something myself for me. I cannot hope for my parents to give all the time. I know all that. Just that, to tell you the truth, I was a difficult (still am) child and person to bring up and live with and I was spoilt. Maybe still am. Sometimes I wish my dad won't treat me like a little girl anymore, but sometimes I do like feeling dependant - daddy's little girl. Even now I'm inclined to trust dad's every word although I know enough he give promises a little too easily. Because hey, that's my dad. Its innate that I trust him. I miss him holding my hands. Because for all his faults and imperfections, I know he love us, his kids, beyond everything. I sorely miss family life. Tsk. The four of us. One day I'm going to ask myself, why I never tell my dad all this? I see it all the time on TV, that one day it'll be too late to tell your parents you appreciate them. I don't know. My conscience is stinging. I think I should tell my dad I love him, despite everything. Mom, too. Now that things are better.
Complain, complain, complain, that's all I seem to know how to do, huh? Yeah I hate myself for the same thing. No worries.
You'll never hear the same things out of my mouth. In psychology we learnt:
A person may be alone but in tune with the world around him/her.
A person may be surrounded by people by feel lonely.
No guessing which one I am.
A visitor made this comment,
Your brother should really count his lucky stars for being soooo... lucky.