Dreams

11 Feb 2004
At the moment
Song: Always - Bon Jovi
Mood: Depressed
What I had last: Soybean milk
My brain is saying: What is it? Love?
Time: 18:09
Wishlist: Olympus M[mju:]400 Digital Camera or Kodak Easy Share. I really really really need this camera..my current one worked like Stone Age and if anyone have RM1k+ to spare...


Well, it's also a confirmed fact. I don't have a job. They took the other teacher in. So I'm jobless. Between jobs. And the time I have on my hands, while many others envy me right now, I also envy those who have things to keep them occupied with. I have nothing except magazines, tv, books, internet and my thoughts. Wow. What self-pity. Nauseating.

Why do I want to blog today? I'll tell you a story.

This story is about a girl... One night 3 years ago, around Feb 2001, she random chatted many, many people on ICQ and got hooked chatting to this particular guy we can call Ben. Ben isn't a perfect guy, he's just a guy and he's 2 years older.

To cut a very very long story short, it's an amazing thing that a friendship that blossomed on more than nothing but words and the sharing of it can last until this very day. It's also amazingly mouth-opening that the girl admits she has developed an infatuation for Ben. Yet, she knew Ben will never return the feeling, that Ben's heart may or may not be with another, but it'll never belong to the girl. The girl and Ben had went through life separately, never met, only sharing about it through phone messages and online chats.

Now it's time for Ben to leave to study abroad - for 4 long years, and the girl feels sad. She think what she felt for Ben is much deeper than she suspected, but what can she do? Four whole years is a long time and much, much can happen. But it don't stop girl from feeling angry and disappointed and lost. She is worried about Ben. And what can happen.

There's also a twist. Girl felt jealous. Yes. Because where Ben is going to, there's also a faculty for the subject she want to learn most, what that is not available here in Malaysia. It felt like shards of glass that guy had been given the opportunity to go, and girl is stuck here, unable to follow her dreams, because she have to learn to be practical, to think of others.

Yet girl have to let go, to learn to live on, and pray Ben can finally find and follow his dreams, when girl still can't, yet. That Ben can still maintain a fragile contact with girl and that 4 years won't be enough to overcome the bridge of growing gaps between this girl and Ben. Girl understands. It's time for Ben to soar.

Girl is me.

Swallows fly and seasons change
Flowers bloom and shadows grow;
Sing a song of joy and make merry -
Soar high above, my friend.

Thus, the end of my story.

Comments:
Alvin Choong made this comment,
Love lifts us up where we belong. Have been in your shoes bout a couple times, though intensity of it may be less. But I may think otherwise in the near future. Don't let go of it when you think you have found it. That being said, I wish you all the best, and point out that distance wouldn't matter, much less in this case where friendship was after all, forged on the miraculous invention called ICQ. Take care, yo.

ichimei made this comment,
Never doubt what the future might bring, babe. Just carry on with life, be the best you want to be and strive for your ambitions. Love will come when you least expect it to.

Jun Hoe made this comment,
I can sort of relate to how you feel, but I won't say I really understand how you feel as each individual's emotions and situations are unique. Cuts the heart to see unrequited love, and not knowing whether it might lead to something more. For me, I've been in too many circumstances where I knew it cannot be anything more.
But really PY, time does heal wounds; a bit of it, if never all of it. You did the right thing, in never being selfish for yourself. Take heart in that.