21 Jul 2003 14:20
At the moment
Wishlist: Olympus M[mju:] 300 or 400 Digital Camera. I really really really need this camera..my current one worked like Stone Age and if anyone have RM1k+ to spare...
I'm angry. I'm infuriated. I'm disappointed. Mostly I'm let down. You think you're so cool, huh? You think your sneering at me is funny huh? You think you're such smart guys, huh? You think you're so much better then I am, huh? You think I have the plague? You think I'm oblivious to the way you ostrasise me? Laugh at me? Think I'm a joke, think I'm the object of your gossip and centre of your fucked up, made up stories? Fuck IT.
You don't know me. I don't know you. I don't give one fucking care what are your names. But at this moment I'll give anything to punch any of you in the groin. To skewer your eyeballs. To shut your fucked up mouths like your mother never taught ALL of you to. Don't you dare to judge me. Don't you dare to make fun of me. Don't you dare to hurt me. BECAUSE I WILL FIGHT BACK.
And you. You call me your friend. Did you even defend me? You thought I didn't notice the way you laughed along with them? You thought I don't know how, behind my back, you probably joke about me, too? NONE OF MY SO-CALLED FRIENDS BOTHERED TO DEFEND ME. You think you're cleverer, huh? More intelligent, huh? You think I never noticed the different way you treat me? As though I'm so irresponsible, so unreliable? Well, I've got news. If YOU skirt out of responsibilities YOU volunteered to take up, don't try to lecture ME. I don't like any of this better then you do. The difference is I did it with passion, I went through with it. I may not be strong, I may not be perfect, but at least I gave a promise, I gave my word, and I didn't back off. Give me my due credit. Don't try to act as if you're so much better then I am. Because you're NOT. Talk one more time in that patronizing tone, and I swear...Other people vouched for me. Did you? Other people defended me. Did you? Other people cared about me. Did you? You thought you're so much more mature. You think you see things in better perspective then I do. ARE YOU SURE? OR ARE YOU REALLY THAT NAIVE? Don't. Judge. My. Parents. I complain. I express my anger about my mom. But you have NO RIGHT to say anything about them. It. Is. Not. Your. Place. Don't ever, ever, EVER repeat this mistake, EVER. I never forgave myself since that day I let another critisize my mom. No matter what she did or did not do, I and I only can say what I want. AND I NEVER USED TERMS YOU DID ON MY OWN MOTHER.
I have had enough. I tolerated enough pity, enough sneers, enough anger. I shedded too many tears. Don't teach me what to do. Don't run my life for me. Don't blame me for your own faults. Enough. It's enough.
I thought I didn't care. I can't be bothered by people who don't care to know me. But I do. I care. And I probably cared too much. I have dignity, too. I have pride. I know how to feel shamed, I know how to feel humiliated. Leave me alone. Please...