At the moment
Song: Power of the Dream - Celine Dion
Word: Clutch, Gear, KEJARA...
My brain is saying: To be, or not to be...
Wishlist: Olympus M[mju:] 300 or 400 Digital Camera. I really really really need this camera..my current one worked like Stone Age and if anyone have RM1k+ to spare...
Okay. I'm sitting for Undang-undang Test tomorrow (that's Highway Code for you) tomorrow. According to the stimulation tests (I have the CD-Rom), I managed a poor 88% first try. Not bad for someone who's impatient, online and pakai bantai (er, answer recklessly) only...but still, borderline, which is no good. 2 more mistakes, and I fail. ArGhHHhHHhh NO one, NO ONE fails undang-undang! Try! Try!!! No distractions!
In a cheerleading tone:
Go Pui Yee!
Go Pui Yee!
Okay, wish me luck.
I have the urge to just talk today, I don't know why...ever since the start of this blog, I have refrained from pouring my heart and soul out...too much is at stake, too many people is reading this, people who's too close for comfort, people who mattered, you know? But..I don't know man...I don't know. I don't know since when I've taken to say "I don't know" every other sentence, everytime I'm not sure of myself. What I'm sure of is that it's been around for a while and it comes out too often. All these while for me, life just go on...I do what I have to do, I live and behave the way society, family and community dictate me to. I didn't dance while crossing roads, I didn't scream my ass off in the LRT, I didn't harass or interrupt classes, I go to tuitions religiously and I bite my tongue. But like a dam, someday I just have to break, someday all restraints go loose. Some days are good, I wake up at 6 am, go to school, laugh, learn and come home, sleep, eat, tuitions, homework, tv, sleep. Some days are bad. I still wake up at 6 am, go to school, laugh, learn and come home, sleep, eat, tuitions, homework, tv, sleep. But those kind of days seem forever...like a never ending cycle. I felt like I'm just surviving for the moment, I can't think of tomorrow, much less next week, or month, or year...to me I just need to get by today, not think about tomorrow, because whatever it brings, it cannot be better or worst then whatever I already gone through. I'm just living it day by day. I watch seconds tick away and..nothing. Nothing changes. Life still is the same, I still feel the same...nothing.
Last Saturday, I sweeped and mopped the floor and basically hide out in my room. I was tired, sleepy, and I want time for myself. I read some books and fall asleep. I didn't take the dried clothes back inside, feed the dog and cook the rice. Because of those 3 capital crimes, I was punished by having hell break lose. Mom banged the locked doors (room and connecting toilet), demand me to open them, came in and ...walloped me like shit. Am I washing dirty linen yet here? She grabbed a glass bottle and throw it towards the wall with a few framed photos of me when I was young. The glass frame broke, shards flew everywhere in the room. What's the joke here? The bottle didn't even break as it roll and roll on the floor in a hynotizing movement. Nope. Just a dent on the cap. Of course I just sat there and cried after she finished screaming the hell outta herself. But...it felt so different. I was feeling as if I was supended in time, as if I'm crying at that moment because I'm crying. Not because I was mad, or sorry or anything. I was just shocked and...I was feeling so alone. So, so alone.
Since Sat, I was on polite terms with mom, she acted as if nothing happened, but I can't forgive so easily..not anymore. Everytime we talk, there's a wall. She's driven a nail between us...and it's up to nobody to dig it up. I wonder if she felt it. I don't want to face her anymore. I prefer not to answer her or anyone much. Just give me silence. I want silence. It's as if she have already broke my spirit into shards that night she broke a photo of my happier childhood. I tore that photo into pieces and pieces. I tore my smiling self into halves. There must be things worst then dying...this must be one of them. Do you know the pain, the loneliness of deliberately destroying relics of your childhood memory? I took some bigger shards and tested it on my wrists...not sharp enough...I don't want it to end this way...too meaningless...even if I want to kill myself, I want everyone to remember...fading away like this...it was tempting, though...so tempting...maybe one day I might regret not doing it...maybe one day I'll thank myself...but for now...I'm not asking anyone to understand me. I'm not asking for sympathy. I'm not asking for anything. Just silence. Can't anyone leave me alone? Why so many prying questions? Why so many funny looks? Why judge? Why misuse me? Why step on my head? Why belittle me? Why witness my most down moments? Why laugh at me? Why get mad at me? Why? Why?
A visitor made this comment,
A visitor made this comment,
in moments of darkness, the emptiness of the soul is incomparable. *hugs* take all the time you want to heal, someone as precious and dear should nvr disappear. *hugs*