Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Ice creams, cheese and cakes

22 Apr 2005
Time: 23:17
Mood: Sleepy

Mmmmph I'm sleepy. Streamyx is taking its toll on me -- barely 2 days after owning it. Making up for lost time by being online til 4 am for 2 running nights and woken up by mom before 10 am the following morning. I know. I'm totally wasting my holidays.

Yesterday...mom took me to Kepong Jusco and we bought some ingredients to make Chocolate Almond ice cream. Yes. Ice cream. Recipe courtesy of Kenny Chan, who made the ice cream to celebrate you-know-what. It was incredibly simple and today, other than being exceptionally hardened, was pronounced quite alright by my mom, who's incredibly picky when it comes to food prepared by, well, people she think can't quite cook, like...er...her daughter (and occasionally, her son).

Today 22 April was one of my best friend, Shwu Chenn's birthday. I bought her presents, a shawl and a pair or Indian earrings, from The Curve last Saturday but didn't wrap it til yesterday night so it was kind of simple and last-minute. There's a surprise party at Metro Prima Pizza Hut for her organised by Sing Yieng, and we're all supposed to show at 4pm and Amelia will make excuses to go to Pizza Hut (getting chicken wings for her bro, yeah right) except, well. They show up well after 5pm. And in that hour? I got really bored and learnt how awkward it is being with people you know for 5 years but have nothing much in common with. Sigh. I don't make it a secret that I wasn't popular in secondary school. I don't make it a secret I don't get along that well with people, we're all friends because of the circumstances. If I have nothing to talk to them about then, I can't pretend we're all buddy-buddy just because it's been more than a year since I last saw three-quarters of all of them. They are their own group, they have their language, their in-jokes, they date each other and occasionally have little spits, but that's that. I've never joined in, nor was I accepted in. Suddenly I'm entirely grateful I ran off to college first chance I get.

What I find awful was their obsession with their weights, diets and food. They make jibes at the amounts of food consumed by each other, they joke about helping each other diet by finishing the other's food so that they consume one mouthful less, they sigh and exclaim they need to get on diet as soon as they take their first morsels of cake and they bombard each other with remarks on people's physiques like nobody's business. I, overweight and food-loving in general, found it disconcerting and...disturbing. I mean, this is a shock. This is...I'm sorry, shallow, and awfully so. What does weight got to do with having fun and celebrations? I...I want out. Out of the circle. For good. I hate being reminded. I felt small and judged. I felt my self-esteem taking a punch. And I told myself I won't let that happen again. I will not.

I'm sorry, but the Form 6 graduation prom...I wanted to go, I really do, but now I'm not so sure. Just because there's promises of sticking together and accompanying me the entire evening...they meant nothing. I can't take the fun out of your night, nor do I want to go through the entire process. I don't want to try to socialise and play polite, I don't want to feel paranoid about how this girl do not like me or why is that guy giving me the once over and the evil eye. I don't want to listen about how your prom dresses disguise your (non-existential) bulges or how fat your arms are or questions about how your hips and thighs look in that dress. I mean, if you think you're huge, what am I? A humpback?

It shouldn't have to matter. It shouldn't. Miss Lil Sunshine, aren't I?

But, uh, most importantly, Happy Birthday, Shwu Chenn.

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