10 May 2003 00:11
At the moment
Song: Sweetest Thing - U2
My brain is saying: sigh
You know...I had a friend. I said had...cos, well, although she's still here, and I still see her everyday, we're no longer...well, friends. It's ironic. This kind of things only happen to American-teenage-love-life-drama-series.
You see, when we're in Form 1 or 2, I don't really remember, we're almost the closest friends. Her very best friend got slightly jealous, even, I think, at me, a total stranger, intruding. Fine. Fast forward 18 months. Things start to change. Oh, it was slight, she hangs out with more boys, got a boyfriend or two, declining invitations for outings to movies, meals, whatever. And then she distanced herself, and (sadly) start snapping at me, showing me she dislikes me, giving me those looks that say I'm little more then a fly to her. Her tone start changing, insinuating, patronizing, sometimes, insulting. She comments and picks on me, but I'm not entirely innocent, I admit. I have a bad and fast temper. Of course I do snap back at her. But I avoid her more. And more. Til the mere sight of her makes me wanna turn back (or right, or left). I still do hope we can still be friends, but reality sets in long ago. What I felt is that she felt like she's beyond us, like she's moved on, to boys, to higher things in life. Like she matured and left us all at the bottom of the heap. She may be smart, pretty, ambitious, popular, a good flirt and all that, but to step in her shoes, nah. Not surprisingly, I'm the one she thought as the bottom-est of all...around her, I always felt the need to guard my tongue, to consider my next move. I always felt self-conscious around her. Maybe she do have a valid reason not to like me, maybe she consider me stupid or dumb or whatever that spew out of my mouth bothers her, maybe she feel every thing I do pisses her off. Maybe I'm just a second class citizen to her. Sometimes, it bothers me, but I guess I can't please everyone. Especially not if that someone is as headstrong as I am, except she's saintly, and I'm not. So I'm gonna take my advice and forget about her. She was a passanger in my bus, but she already alighted the bus...long time ago. It's just that her path is still parallel to mine. I won't demand to know what's the reason she'll pick on me or dislike me, but I hope it's petty. Sigh
On the flip side:
I skipped school today, 3rd time this year, and 2nd in a week. OOh-er. Well, there's no papers today anyway. Went to school in the afternoon, had Leo club BOD meeting, just to brief incoming BODs on their responsibilities and jobs. Home, tried to do some schoolwork, but aunt came over, and I got another tarot card reading from my mom. Truthfully, I don't like getting a card read. Especially by my own mom. I'd tell her a lot of things, but not everything. I do respect my own privacy. I'd learn to read, one day. When I do have the time, energy and wisdom to interpret life and what it holds. In short, I'm waiting for my calling. I had a friend who had his when he was 14, a pretty precise reader. But then, tarot cards tell no lies. It's just the interpreting. Had tuition. Just now talked on the phone. I'm gonna take another advice. Get a long measure of white clothe, write `Patience! Yan! Sabar!' on it in bold red, and wear it. Gotta learn to live and let live.
On a lighter note:
Wahey! I'm celebrating my 17th birthday in 5 minutes time! Happy bithday to me, HAPpy birthday to ME, HAPPY birthDAY to PUI YEEEeEEE (yup, that's me, hi!), happy birthday to me...!!! *applause, applause!* Where's my presents??! I'm now qualified to take driving lessons, sit for driving exams, donate blood and, er, have another 365 more days before shedding the `minor' title, drink liqour, 4 more years before I can vote...time passes. Oooyeah. 17...wow.
Calm down, calm down...my ex-crush just SMSed! I felt safe writing his name here, he's no internet savvy dude! JIA FEI just smsed! *cardiac arrest*