Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Looking back

14 Apr 2005
Time: 23:48
Mood: No comment

So, suddenly I've been looking back. The past year in TAR College. The decision to go for Journalism after Form 5 was hardly a surprise to anyone who knew me at all...the only thing I'm good at are complaining, sleeping and writing afterall. This year I've learnt a lot more than I've learnt from secondary school, not because my sec school was lousy (well, it is) but because when you've gained the status of college student, you learn a lot more.

I'm coming partially clean here. In 2004:

  • My dad got me my new car
  • My parents divorced
  • I went to college
  • I drive to college
  • We went through the tiring process of selling and buying houses

Was that impressive? Well, no. Nope. Some are milestones, some are really growing up. I haven't even found love (and I wasn't looking and I doubt anyone wanna look for me anyway), haven't even went near a club, much less go clubbing and I haven't even have my MyKad yet, which I must remind myself to remind my brother to remind my mom that we need to get it done when our schedules actually concur, which is going to be somewhere this month.

In 2005, and it's only April:

  • My best friend found her first love (it's really the other way 'round)
  • I experienced my first accident on the road
  • I've finished college
  • We've moved into a new house
  • Made my first ATM withdrawal

Was that impressive? Nope, either.

Going to college remind me that schoolfriends who grew up with you are really significant. You've gone through the whole painstaking process of learning about each other, fighting, making up, learning more, tolerating, compromising, broken promises and healing therapies. I've tried, but no matter what, it's not the same with college pals. We gel, but there's no deeper level to it. I'm not being harsh, little can be done in 3-month semesters and one month breaks -- we aren't even close enough to organise trips, unless you count those impromptu KFC/McDs trip to Jusco. Every holidays everyone have plans, which don't include each other (unless you're dating anyway). We're all too different, is that it? I don't think that's the reason. We're like a sack of loose sand. Drop it and we fly everywhere. Even...superficial. Sometimes...I wish we can go beyond talking about American Idol and the sex-ducation and assignments and gossiping about lecturers. But, what can we talk about then? Our lives are so regimented, routine and banal. Sharing is for boyfriends and girlfriends. Not me.

Hmmmph. The other day my neighbouring aunty hinted she want her daughter and son to visit me and my bro. As in, coming inside the house, mess with my piano and my bro's comics and manga and computer games. Horror struck a chord; I cannot imagining extending a warm welcome to what I see as an intrusion into our privacy. My mom have people in and out of our house every other weekend, but it's different. She reads tarot and those are her clients. Other than serving them water, I'm not obliged to entertain them. When I see familiar OLs (office lady) I enjoy listening to I'll sit nearby, even that, I don't do often. But it's sometimes learning, their 2 sens on office politics, graduates who came in for interviews and their antics, and their slaying of their bosses. But open-door policy is not for me. Unless they are my mom's family (always welcome) or my bestest best friends (who raid my room whether I like it or not). Other than that....the Chinese saying goes: Lower the gates, loosen the dogs. I don't like to go visiting other people's houses either, especially if I'm not close to them. I hate strange toilets, I hate strange mattresses (unless they are hotel standard-issues. (Hey, hotels mean travel and travel means fun!) and overnighting in other houses is a um, no-no.

Yah, back to the subject. Being in college means disciplining yourself and keeping track and being on top of things yourself. Not a difficult thing, yet. University will be the real deal and working...I've imagined what working will be like, you can't take off days just cos you can't wake up, you can't treat your boss nastily and get away with it like your lecturer and you can't be a flake and blow off assignments cos you're lazy. It's a scary prospect. I like studying a lot better. If I have the opportunity, I'd want my Masters. Maybe after a few years into working. If I have the opportunity.

I miss college already. The boring lectures, the monotonous practicals and the unpredictable tutorials. I missed canteen food, walking down to gerai/warung/call it what you want, I miss walking to TBR and I'll certainly miss Alpha Angle/Jusco. I miss the friends I've made. Some will end up in UTAR Setapak, others, UTAR Sg. Long. Even my class mates of different majors are going separate ways, not sharing similar subjects. There goes development of deep friendships.

Ish, I hope I'm not really writing this in guise of whining of lonliness. Everybody is busy with their lives, everybody moved on. Isn't things easier years ago, huh? I want that feeling, of sharing and laughing...and loving. Where do I get it? I need to fill my soul with excitment and stimulation, security and cherishment, loving and caring. Where can I seek it? When will it come to me? Or am I not deserving? I miss a lot a lot of my friends, the ones I've met and knew for only hours or days, and wish we have time to know, understand better. To people I've met, I'm sorry I've never taken the time to care, to bother to know you or to understand you. To learn what's in your heart and what radiates from your soul. Sometimes, I confess, I don't even bother knowing your name or who you are, but it is my loss and I feel it deeply ever so often.

To all my friends, to my lecturers, the canteen lady and uncle, the office staff, and I don't want to name you because I fear I'll leave someone out but I know who you are and hopefully you know it too, thank you, thank you for the wonderful year in TARC. I appreciate it a lot, and I'll miss it dearly. I was surprised some of you actually even recognise and remember who I am, I was surprised when you talk to me. But I am so glad. So glad.

Jun Hoe made this comment,
A short year in college retrospection huh? Well, 1 year do pass pretty fast, and I've also finished 1 year in university. Being in a college/university is definitely different from being in secondary school. We certainly have grown much more in our own ways.
See ya this Wednesday ok!

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