28 Jun 2003 22:51
At the moment
My brain is saying: ...can I skip Saturday?
Wishlist: Olympus M[mju:] 300 or 400 Digital Camera. I really really really need this camera..my current one worked like Stone Age and if anyone have RM1k+ to spare...
If I had to sum up my life in general, it'll be :
Exactly. Dot dot dot. Empty, silent, heavy with implication and idle.
Why? Because tomorrow is Parent-Teacher Day, when my mom will claim my report book and the teacher will rat about my performance in class.
I have the gut feeling that I'll be gutted tomorrow (pun intended).
These days my optimism has snowballed to the lowest status. If there's a meter, you can practically see it at the -ve side of the meter. As in fiery red and blinking and alarm going off.
I don't know if anyone can emphatize with what I feel, that is, a mood of total wrenchness, giving up, desperation and feeling binded by responsibility and doing something your brain is rejecting, and there's no turning back. I can claim I'm not made for sciences, yet I chose this path, because I was so over-confident, naive and having a load of bullshit faith in myself. Whatever happened to the `breezed through exams' girl? She was once high flyer, but now she crashed on earth, watching others fly when she, shading her eyes with her hands, can only envy and watch others soar higher and higher, while she's locked in chains and can do nothing but cry and hope for...nothing. I wonder if anyone can share the feeling of inferiority, of wanting to dig a hole and bury yourself there for the next century hoping nobody will miss you and you can wallow in so much self-pity you suffocate yourself. I wonder. I almost broke down in front of my Physics teacher, the signs was all there: flipping through the pages of my newspapers, dropping pens and rulers, touching my nose and hair again and again, stutter, brusque hand movements, not looking at her in the eyes and most importantly, almost in tears, as I told her why I failed my Physics paper, why I'm in science stream to begin with and how scared I am.
I think I respect my own space more. Since I can't sleep in my own room every night because of the construction next door and my mom's worried about break-ins and not to mention saving on electricity, my mom, my bro and I had to all chuck into my mom's room, which is, thankfully, kinda big. Okay, fine, it's BIG, big. Still, I dont' like to share sleeping space with people EVERY night. So I spend hours after school just in my room, reading, sleeping, napping, meditating, whatever. I just like to be left alone. I really want to be alone these days. I don't think I trust people much anyway. Online or off, I always gave a feeling to other people that I trust them and they know a lot about me, when all I reveal about myself is just small morsels of the whole puzzle. Not that it mattered, I'm not a who's who anyway. I just detest people who think they know a lot about me when they don't. I also don't like to grow close to strangers, I tend to back off if I felt my personal space violated. Teachers, fellow students, classmates...
I had a distinct feeling of being used, stupidly, by a person who just wanted a few people from my school's contacts. I felt as if I became the unappreciated catalyst who'll just stay the same after some chemical reaction and thrown away because I'm valueless. I also felt demoraled, since the past week I had to be on duty at a section in the canteen where Malay boys hang out, and their antics is...just, so...degrading. Everytime I glance at their tables, someone'll be bound to yell, obligingly, `Beruk!', which meant ape, in Malay. Another will just open his mouth to reveal the insides as he chew. Look at it my way: Who's the ape here, anyway? I know it's nothing, it's to be expected, but it doesn't make my anger any less, best I can do is to ignore them or write their names down. They ate fried chicken mostly, some don't even want to BUY them, they just beg or grab them off their friends, and they can be satisfied with the dried fried bones off the chicken while their paying friends have the meat. They threw the remains and the tissue papers on the floor or between the table cloth and table when they thought I'm not looking and when I order them to pick them up, they blatantly tell me it wasn't them. One of them is a local assemblyman's son, a Dato who's rolling in money and fame. The exquisite irony is that he dresses and acts as if he came off shore from Sumatra, his very face and characteristics won't make you think he go home to a mansion and eat good food. Unrefined, uncouth, unruly. Told mom about him and she analysed him for me, not that it mattered. I brushed her off entirely and told her I'm sick and tired of keeping composure and I don't have the time nor I care if he's suffering from unattentiveness of his parents. F*** him, f*** his entire gang. As if that wasn't enough, on Wednesday as I dodge them spitting their bones into my (general) direction, I backed into someone who spewed soup from his/her noodles onto my hair. All I felt was a body, hot liquid, a quick `oh, sorry!', and when I turn, nobody was behind me. As I groan and contain my temper a senior told me not to stand there. I glared and told her I'm off to wash my hair. Fawk her, the senior, fawk him/her, the spewer, fawk the entire school, fawk fawk fawk.