Monday, March 19, 2007

Today it's for the big 'I'

7 Sep 2004
Mood: Don't know

Haven't delved into my soul for a while now...didn't think it was necessary. Come to think of it, I think I've been in major denial for months on end since a couple of years ago. I feel...numb, fake, shallow and...I don't know. Empty, maybe? Like everything's superficial and temporary.

It's okay, I'm not going all boo-hoo-hoo negative. Just amused amazed by this. There's...something I do feel sad about. But I don't know, I just cannot confess or bring myself to say it to people I thought I'd trust to pour my soul to. Like, I don't know those people I thought I've loved and cared about for years, people I call friends. Or, maybe it's the other way round...maybe that's it. Dare I say maybe my old friends do not recognise me anymore? Have I changed? Am I still the same? Am I happier? Or just different?

I know very very well and am very conscious that I've lived very self-centredly these past months. My attitude's not exactly model youth's, for certain. I've been selfish and I have not considered the feelings of everybody, yes, EVERYBODY around me...dunno, maybe I think, it works because I'm hurting no one in the process. It benefits me, but even I feel dirtied about that. I'm not inclined to change. I didn't want people to know about me intimately. Because I don't know how to deal with friends who knew a little too much for my liking. I'm worried maybe I cannot trust them. And then, I won't give a damn to many things, like deadlines, club commitments, even assignments and stuff. I sort of leave them hanging and chill and let things work their way through. This attitude will get me into hot soup one day, I just know it will. Premonition, predictability...I don't know.

Ugh! Why won't I give a damn! Pui Yee! Give a damn, will you?! Give many damns! You gotta get your act together! Don't behave so aloof towards everything! Don't just wander through life being dazed and ...that's it. I wander through life right now, without a focus. Something vital is missing. My energy is not focused anywhere. I have no set point in life. There's no 5-year plan in my life. Hell, there's not even 5-day plan. Maybe I feel this messy because, well, my life IS messy. Do I need to scrutinise life now, though?

Like my old friends. I haven't been calling them or contacting them for a while. Hell, I didn't even think it was necessary. Some things they did (and did not do) has hurt me a bit recently. I felt cross and bitter towards them. But, isn't it a bit petty of me? Dammit, my ego is just too huge. Maybe it was just miscommunication on both our parts. Yes, I'd like to think it that way. No way I want to just throw friendships down the drain for the uncertainty of college friends. It's too much of my life history. No matter what, I just cannot say I did not spend 5 long, long years living life as friends. I'm too caught up in the present, neglected my past. I thought I did not want to be reminded. But, I guess I'm way, way wrong. I forgot I was a misfit and they were the only ones who stayed friends with me.

Maybe they joked at my expense. Maybe they defended me. Maybe they did not. Maybe they gossiped about me. Maybe they spread rumors about me. Oh how ugly these thoughts are, but I guess they strike me a lot then. It hurted back then, but looking back, come on, we were all immature brats anyway. Did it matter now I was the butt of ugly gossip and jokes? Did it matter there were people who didn't like me and that I behaved badly and made things worst? Pride and ego got in the way and I retaliated the best way I did, then, by telling them off. But so what? They continued the picking, the taunting, but then again, did what happened really matter? In the bigger scheme of things, nah.

I realise people will never forget the donkey I was (still am!), but I maybe hoped we've all grown up and are able to think maturely now. Why did I waste so much energy and tears wondering why people hate me or gossip about me? Why did I waste gazillionjoules of energy hating them back with the fiery heat of a thousand suns? How did it benefit me, specifically? It did not.

In fact I guess I feel pity for them people now. I may be different, but I was no freak, yet they took me as one. Life must be so lame for them that they need to pick on someone just to make themselves feel good. I learnt a lot and did not let that happen in college, and I guess I should feel at least proud of that. I've gained much confidence and maturity since I've left secondary school and I will never, never let immature people take me to the lowest levels anymore.

Because of that, though, I also ignored my friends, because maybe I thought I don't trust them anymore and they remind me of my past, because I just didn't want to deal with it. Maybe that was a lame excuse. Maybe I'm just plain lazy and couldn't be bothered. I felt bad now for neglecting them. Maybe I should just pick up the phone. The house phone has only been ringing for my bro. There was no calls for me and none from me, either. Yeah, maybe I should just pick up the damned phone and press on those damned numbers again.

Amelia made this comment,
Hey woman..somehow reading this post of yours made me feel a lil emotional. Don't know why. Probably it's because I can related to you. In some ways. I've been neglecting lotsa old friendships too and it did come to a point when I thought calling you guys were unecessary cause I was plain lazy. College is really taking it's toll on old friendships and I'll be a first class idiot if I let that happen. Yeah sure college is fun and full of other cool people but it is you people that know me in and out and I went thru that whole 5 crappy years with you. That's gotta count for something. I watched you grow into the woman you are today, and crap I'm STILL gonna watch you grow into some old grandma! We made a promise remember? And I do intend to keep it.
And I'm glad you're starting to see things from a different prespective. Darn proud know that you've reached that level. Very glad for you too.
Many things I've done or didn't do that might have hurt you in anyway all these years, well I want to apologise and I want you to know that it was never my in intentions to cause you such feelings. Never. But I guess these are inevitable eh? But I know you still love me. :)

Well we'll meet up after my mocks okay. Really beginning to miss the old times with the old people...;) I'll see you on the 18th okay.. hugs!

A visitor made this comment,
Oy Puiyee. Don't be so sad la. After my exams we go karaoke ,ok? We go paint redbox red. (And both u and Amelia can book places...... n I'll try to spot her nice, cute, raised hand from somewhere crowded) ;)

A visitor made this comment,
Hey, why you all going Red Box also never tell me one. If can I join you all also ler after exams! Hehe, we'll bring the roof down in Red Box and they'll sue us for damages amounting to gazillions.
Jun Hoe

Amelia made this comment,
Even I didn't know we're going redbox but i seriously don't mind man! Sing away the blues!! Lalalalalalala! Oh no and no way I'm gonna raise my hand like an idiot in some crowded place...we'll just use the cellphone instead okay...:)

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