What if..?

27 May 2003 23:09
At the moment
Song: The Prayer - Josh Groban
Mood: Thoughtful
Word: Reminiscent
My brain is saying: What if...what if..?
Time: 23:57

Auld Lang Syne..the good old days.

I created an official PY record today. I slept at 3 am, woke up at 4 pm. Yep. If my mom know, she'll kill me. For sure. But luckily she's not in. Her fault! Her fault! She woke me up at 7 am, ask me to lug this boil that hang this dry that and let me sleep at last at 8.30 am. Anyway, I also attended my neighbour's son's wedding dinner, ALONE. Well, along with my neighbours..mom's busy. I went because I represent my surname and house number. Cool, eh? Except it was dead boring. -sigh- That's not the point. But this is necessary because it's what I'm going to talk about today.

This dinner was held in Kuala Lumpur Century, in Bukit Bintang. From my home, we travelled through the Pos Besar-Merdeka Square-Bkt Aman-VI-Pudu Jail-Melia Hotel route. And this...happy feeling hit me. It's as if I've come home. The sights and sounds in Bukit Bintang, the Red Box, Sg Wang...they all seem like features I've been with..and it's no surprise, I go to Bukit Bintang every day of my life when I was 3 to 10. Pudu Jail..I had such an urge to jump off the car and run to the corner where my old primary school was. When I saw Loke Yew, Hang Tuah...I wanted to cry. I missed those places so much. The buildings, the crows flying through the evening sky, the cars, the traffic, God. No wonder tarot cards kept telling I've been holding on to a past I must learn to let go..I finally realize what. It's THIS past.

Life is so full of what-ifs. And most of them weren't your choice. Moving to Kepong is one of those what-if that wasn't my choosing. It's like Robert Frost's poem, 2 paths of which I must choose one. I've walked through one path, wondering what it'll be like walking the other way. What is it like for me to stay back, go to S.A.B., stay on with my buddies (the one I mentioned yesterday), where there won't even be a what-if? What and how will I turn out to be? Will I be a different person? Will I be who I am today? I never said I never enjoyed what I have today. I have a small, intimate network of friends, I'm a Leo, I'm a member of national championships choir, I'm head editor...maybe those are not huge, but it's still achievement. By being where I am, I've met people I otherwise won't meet.

My primary school symbolized so many things, I don't know where to begin. Where friendships start, innocent and carefree days of games, chats and learning, I still remember the mornings we play behind our school canteen, the assemblies when I'll conduct Negaraku, the quizzes held in front of the entire school at the `Kawasan Bertutup', the collective grieve at knowning one of our teachers passed away because of road accident, the dental checkups and the computer lessons with Mr. Oliver. I path was so clear and true, then. Get good UPSR results, go to SAB, with most of my friends. Circumstances change. We moved away. I cried, I stamp my foot, but the decision is made. I adapt, but there is still something inside of me that won't let go. Because I really really wanted to stay back. Will I be an Interactor instead, will I be part of cyberbrigade? Will I know Seph personally, will I travel to Kasturi and visit Sg Wang and KLCC after school every other day? What if..what if.

It's a really personal struggle to come to terms that THAT what-if is a lost cause. I am here, today (25th) is the 6th year (exactly) we've moved to my this house. But I still haven't let go. The journey back home felt empty. Like leaving behind things familiar to go back to the slums. I've said it before, but here I renew my vow, I WILL go back to the city centre I've loved so much, I WILL go home, no matter how long it takes or what it takes. I'll go back to the place where I belong.

On the other note, the smell of the alcohol in the brandy in that dinner was so strong and tempting I swear if it's not of modesty, underage factor and stranger factor, I'll down a few glass of that stuff. I swear I might me an alcoholic in the making.

Countdown
Holidays : Leo Forum
3 : 5

Comments:
A visitor made this comment,
I know how you feel dear.I guess you feel that way cause you moved to this part of the town.If it was somewhere else,somewhere ahem 'better' you might not find that longing to go 'back'.We've been through this before in alot of our conversations.We don't belong here...well at least I think I don't belong here too.This place is indeed limiting us from the life we want to have.This is NOT our life.Not how it was meant to be...one day we'll go to a place where we can fit in properly...without trying.
And btw, if you didn't come to Kepong you wouldn't have met interesting lil' ol' me. :) *cackles*

amelia

A visitor made this comment,
sigh, yes, life is always what-ifs. wished u were still here in kl, and if u were in sab, i'd visit u in ur class everyday to bugger u off, ahahaha.
it's like a missing jigsaw in ur life, isnt it? life in kl i mean. remember the teachers saying that if we were naughty, they'd pack us up to the pudu jail, which is abotu 500m away. how scary it was that time! lol.
however even in kepong, u found some funky friends. and both of u seems to have the same dream to escape to kl, LOL.
like the saying goes (yes, this will be very corny, so get a paper bag ready) "you can take a girl out of kl but not kl out of the girl!" LOL. corny extra-d!
hippoGN